Struck Sure

I am challenged by structure. It's just not my strong suit. Yet it's what I need so badly in order to not get lost in the nebulousness of my life. Nebulousness. It's a word. Now, anyway.

I haven't had a job in a loooong time. This is not a good thing for many reasons. Most importantly, I feel like a child when I'm not earning my own way in life. Less importantly, but vital for my well-being: without a job, I lack built-in structure.

I've learned to create artificial structure by having workout appointments, doctor's appointments, classes, workshops, and therapy. But when it comes to organizing the rest of my life, I fall short. Especially when I'm trying to accomplish anything where I'm not accountable to others. Even if it's something I really want to do.

I've been wanting to/meaning to paint this image I have in my brain now for a few months. But because nobody except myself is attached to the project, it just hasn't gotten done.

Today I worked for several hours at a cafe. Okay, I sort of have a job right now. I'm doing some freelance work for holistic health counselors. But here's the thing: I can't work at home. And I have to have internet access to do my job. So I bundle my things together and trek downtown to internet cafes. (The ones around here are cold and lifeless. Or Starbucks. Same thing.) At least out in a cafe, my little ADD brain has enough stimuli so that I don't find myself sabotaging my work with television, personal internet fun and games, phone calls, and myriad other distractions.

I look forward to the day when I can organize my days effectively. I look forward to being able to get work done at home. I look forward to accomplishing projects that matter to no-one but myself. For now, I'll sling my messenger bag over one arm and my laptop over the other. Look for me in the coffee bars.