So I've been told I'm living in the "pseudo".
I think this living in the pseudo might be related to my issue with "contempt".
Which in turn, of course, is all about the confusion between love and pity.
All of which is tied to my lingering borderline thinking.
And attachments.
Fun and games and party tricks.
The dance of re-creation. I've seen it become a repetitious tragedy for some. At least I haven't worn a gutter of a track lap just yet.
But this awareness of contempt thing is funny. It reminds me of when I was very close to a friend who was an active AA participant (one of the now many I know) and she taught me how to take inventory. All day long I was writing down my F.E.A.R.s (False Evidence Appearing Real). It astounded me how much of my behavior and thought patterns were motivated by these fears. And now--how much is contempt? How is this useful for me?
Well, it does coddle the ego--if the sole source of ego is external comparison and affirmation. Which is BAD. It soothes, I suppose. But on a childish level.
Really, though, an ideology of contempt doesn't serve. It's borne of and feeds the borderline pattern: If I'm good, you're bad. If you're good, I'm bad. Black 'n' White.
But! Here's a kicker--so I'm thinking borderline and I'm addicted to contempt. Okay...then how is it--How is it--that I'm also (and I am) LIVING IN THE PSEUDO.
The wishy-washy. Leaving too many "options" open. Afraid to take a stand. Not being clear. Not being clear with other people. Not being clear in what I want. Not being clear with myself.
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