I'm an asshole

I was such an asshole.

Backstory:

Long time ago I dated this guy--um, "Red"--for a little while. He continually led me on, which made me feel like shit and prodded me into unhealthy behaviors like late-night stuffing (the kind mentioned in my "Bye-Bye Mercury" post). During that period, another friend--he'll be "Frank"--was a sounding board for all the drama. He helped me through the tears and offered wonderful advice and guidance. Even though Frank never met Red, he hated him.

Meanwhile--about a year later--Red and I are now friends. I don't desire him any more in a romantic way AT ALL. But of course because I no longer want him, he wants me a little. Keeps trying "things", ya know? Typical. And so easily deflectable.

But I was an asshole.

Last night I was an asshole for two reasons. One I've owned up to and apologized for. The other...well...I guess I'm not done being a jerk.

The One Where I Later Behaved Like A Grown-Up and Took Responsibility:
Frank and Red met last night for the very first time. Big party, not a private little affair or something. I don't know what the hell compelled me, but I told Red that Frank hated him. WTF is up with that high school bullshit? After beating myself up a little I realized that the immature dig arose because a small part of me is still harboring some pain and resentment because of Red's long-ago behavior. Clear and partially understandable. So I called Red and apologized. At first he didn't understand why I thought I was an asshole. But after a little explanation he completely got it. I hope acknowledging and apologizing was the right thing to do and wasn't just a self-centered catharsis.

The Second Reason I Was An Asshole:
I'm leading him on. I have NO interest in this man anymore. But I flirt. I touch his arm when we talk and I let him put his arms around my waist when he's standing beside me. I laugh and speak in a bubbly manner. I sweetly deflect his advances with just the right amount of sultry eye contact to keep him reaching for more. Granted, I *really* don't think he's emotionally affected by the "lead-on" like I was back in the day when the tables were turned.

However.

It ain't right.

I try to live an integrated, ethical life. So I gots to stop. Sure sure...harmless flirtation can be all well and good. But this feels icky. I don't want to feel icky. And I know I'm just doing this because he has connections and other accessories that I may want in the future.

A bit assholic am I.