Bye-Bye Mercury

Ever have one of those nights that leaves you reeling, yet you're still not entirely sure why?

Without going into too much detail...

Last night began on a precarious note. I was fighting a sore throat (I won, by the way, and despite the lack of sleep woke up having beaten the cold that was trying to grip me.) and I was very tired. Two conditions that are sure to put me in an emotionally vulnerable state.

Then some stuff happened.

Ha!

Okay a little more. That friend I fooled around with before; we began to fool around again. Third time now. And then he stopped it. That hurt. But we talked--a lot--and after much thought today I think it would be best for our friendship if we didn't fool around anymore. Screwing up a good connection just for the sake of, well, screwing? Bleah. This conclusion I reached after meditating deeply about something else he said later on in our difficult conversation. He said:

You don't want to fuck. You don't want the dirty nasty hard fuck that we've been playing around at. Maybe you did once, but now you want to be held. You want your hair stroked. You want to be hugged and reassured and told you're all right.

That hurt so much. Partially because it's true. Partially because someone else once said the exact same thing to me under extremely similar circumstances. Except that guy said it after we'd already fucked. Then I was celibate for a year.

It also felt like a rejection, even if it (a) wasn't and (b) is emotionally better for me if we do cut the foolin'.

I was angry, too. How dare he assume he knows what I want or need? How dare he make me vulnerable and see me cry? How dare he be right?

Can't I want both, though? Can't I want the loving, gentle touch and the rough and raunchy? Can't I want to be held and stroked and manhandled? And if I'm not getting one (the love I desire) why not get the other?

After he left around 2 AM, an old OLD ugly behavior reared its head. I stuffed. I ate a bowl of pomegranate seeds, a plate of sweet potato and kohlrabi, and a huge handful of pecans. I felt like shit. On the plus side, I didn't purge, so that's a shift.

Yeah, I know. Really healthy for a health-counselor-to-be, yes? At least it wasn't Ben & Jerry's.

I woke up feeling trainwrecked. So today I'm left wondering was that a bad evening or a good evening? (I'm leaning towards good.) Was it painful or deep? (Both.) Was it friendship builder or a friendship destroyer? (I hope and am pretty sure it's the former, not the latter.) Was it healthy or toxic? (Let's hope healthy.) Necessary or dramatic? (Probably a little of both.)

Ack. Categorizations are impossible and useless.

Fucking Mercury in retrograde. Planetary pull is a bitch.