Even though I realize these feelings are temporary, as all emotions are, it's difficult to not act from a fatalistic worldview right now.
How is it that my attitude or focus or mood can change so dramatically so quickly and seemingly without impetus?
I'm finding it very difficult to resist being self-destructive right now. I'm thinking about food constantly. I'm eating too much, even if what I'm eating isn't "bad". Seriously, how bad can a little extra polenta or a few too many olives be? Of course, there was that vegan cookie yesterday...
I'm also thinking about alcohol. Not that I have EVER had a problem, but I don't like drinking out of need to feel better, as it seldom works and is inherently not the best of ideas.
But worst--I'm thinking about Vicodin. I have a couple hundred in my medicine cabinet--party favors from back surgery--and I RARELY use them. Hence having so many left over. But I've been thinking about them.
They do take the pain away, you know?
See, this is what shocks me. That a mere couple of weeks ago--or even a week!--I could be elated and glorious. I was filled with a boundless energy of positive emotion. And now I'm thinking of drugging myself???
Demons, anyone? Apparently I have more than my fair share.
No comments:
Post a Comment