Disconnected Classy Thoughts

A Few Random Moments/Thoughts/Analyses From This Weekend's IIN...So Far:

If I hear "before IIN I was a [fill in typical boring-ass sob story here] but now I'm gloriously happy blah blah" one more freaking time I'm going to choke a bitch. I'm up to my eyeballs in tester-moan-ials. They're shoving IIN-esteem up our noses. I'm not snorting no more ya crazies! Koolade Koolade Koolade.

When was the last time you were in a "class" that continually applauded the professor? Forced fucking standing ovations. I swear some people leap to their feet so automatically. It's like seeing a Broadway show these days. The audiences stand and clap like little monkeys for just about any bloody performance. Where's the discretion people?!?

Not to therapize people--but okay, I do it all the time anyway--so, whatever. BUT. I feel so strongly how so many of my fellow students are motivated by fear and ANXIETY. The mad dash towards Super Student is insane! People have posted hundreds of posts on the Online Community, or the "OC" as it's called in IIN parlance. Some students have done dozens of Health History Consultations. One lady did 110. One Hundred and Ten. Seriously. Each of mine have taken about an hour. I've done 15. I can't imagine the time commitment necessary to complete 110 QUALITY HHs. But anyway.... There's this one chick who sits smack dab center front row EVERY time and volunteers to speak in the microphone EVERY time. Far too many chickies cheer like rabid football fans for anything anyone says. They're grade grubbing gold star junkies. Except we don't get grades. All of this triggers my own competitive instincts and brings up my anxious kindergartner who wants to do everything right and be teachers little pet. It's icky. And because it triggers personal shit for me, I'm less able to just not care and to simply let these people be. Rather, it bothers me and I want them to stop stop stop it. I want someone to admonish them for their crazy over-enthusiasm and obsessive behavior; not PRAISE it.

Isn't it interesting how so often exercises intended to increase positive thinking and build self-esteem seem to actually enforce the opposite of what their intentions are? "These exercises are so simple! If you do these 'right' you'll change your life and everything will be perfect. Oh...you did it and things are still difficult? Well, you must be doing it wrong. You FAILED them. You're not putting your whole self into it. You're not dedicated. You're obviously not destined to succeed."

ON THE PLUS SIDE:

I had lunch today with three awesome chicks.
This weekend held more solid information and less hype than last weekend.
I liked the people I ended up sitting near.
I got great seats yesterday and today.
Joshua made a point of affirming that we're all working our own program and reassuring the class that we needn't compare our involvement with others'. Additionally, he said that per all the complaints on the OC, they won't be doing the massive peer counselor testimonials or the Fast Track hard sell next year. That was pretty cool.

There's lots more that I've been thinking about and lots more I need to journal about but my brain is mushy and I need to go to Duane Reade before it gets so late that my butt permanently welds to the couch.

Inception of Reconnection

I've done a few health histories for my studies at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. Those haven't necessarily sparked my fire very much. However, in getting people to do the histories with me, I've had the opportunity to talk a bit about why I'm studying health and nutrition and all that jazz.

And that does get my nipples hard. (To quote a holistic health counselor I know.)

Thank the universe I'm starting to find again why I'm doing what I'm doing. Because I forgot there for awhile and was mired in a bit of angsty frustration. That, coupled with my unrelated recent bout of depression...

Oy.

Is this the rounding of a corner? That would be loverly.

A Good Problem to Have?

I have been invited to become part of an already well established holistic health company. To start off with, I would be the client care specialist, with the opportunity to become one of their team of counselors after more training within the company.

Becoming a part of this organization would severely curtail my own ability to start a private business. However, it also offers a rare possibility to become a part of something that could become huge. I know that many other people are clamoring for this position that is being offered to me, all of them already graduates of IIN. But I don't know if it is what I want.

One argument in favor of joining this company is that it is SERIOUSLY hard to start your own successful business. My father did it. He built a multi-national publicly traded empire from the extra room in our condo. It took ALL his time and energy. He is totally type "A" self-starter. I am extremely organized, abundantly creative, and fiercely independant. But I'm also lazy and I hate the "entrepreneurial" side of business. One of the reasons I turned my back on the acting world (at least for the time being) is that I hated having to constantly promote myself. It was like being on a never-ending job interview. I fear that the procuring clients aspect and marketing aspect of starting my own business will be too daunting to me, even though i want the freedom and flexibility to be beholden to no one.

This is a limited time opportunity. I need to take advantage of it now. I've been assured that if I have special side projects, I would be free to pursue them. If I choose to build a client base that is not at all in conflict with their client base, I could see clients outside of their practice. I would be supported in building and leading workshops. This could be a golden freaking opportunity. I wonder if it is only my own fears of the unknown that is holding me back. Am I afraid of success?

I know that, however well intentioned people are, and however well crafted Joshua's methods for business building are, it is really really hard to make it on your own. It is extremely difficult to build a successful business, especially if one is doing it all by themselves. Would I be well advised to take advantage of what is being offered to me?

I know nobody would be able to give me 'THE ANSWER'. I know I can only come to that decision for myself. But I would greatly appreciate any input or advice.

S'up Port

I was given some support earlier this evening that looked like this:

I was once where you are now
but I've worked through that issue.

I found this irritating for two reasons.

ONE: The person was assuming things about my situation that were not true.

TWO: Without meaning to, the person was being a little insulting and arrogant. I actually felt more pushed away than supported.

Do I ignore or address?

Skool Daze

Addendum and update to my First Weekend Back At School.

I realized today how much of my distaste for the kiddies who drank the Koolaid was actually about my own fears and resistances. I erect walls of defense when I am afraid of being seen. Or not being seen. Or being lost in a crowd. Or standing out in a crowd.

Thankfully, though my resistances (and teenage rebellions) used to last months, then weeks, then days... I grew out of it by lunchtime today. Now I'm seeking connection via the IIN online community.

I'm so grateful that I am aware enough of my own process to realize my own issues, experience them, explore them, and move through them. Wow, I'm all growned up and junk.

BUT I'M STILL NOT DRINKING ANY KOOLAID, DAMMIT!!!

Bliss Bunnies at School

Some thoughts on my first weekend of classes at IIN:

How do I find the balance between taking in the information I desire, fully immersing in a community but still avoid feeling like a sheep in a cult? My natural instincts are FLEE FLEE FLEE. My teenager is resisting and rebelling and wanting to distance myself. My cynic is screaming.

Some of the graduates who spoke today seemed to attribute all their happiness and fulfillment to their experience with the school. In the past, I've run into some who have expected me to attribute my fulfillment to my previous 6 month program that I completed. I don't. It was a large part of my recent process, but I STRONGLY feel that my change, my process, my power, my voice--they come only from within myself. Laughing Sage Wellness (link to the right) was something I sought out when I was already along my path, not something that formed my path.

It sets my teeth on edge when people testify that they owe their happiness or relationships to a particular program. It is so disempowering!

And when they seem blissed-out--too happy, too cheery, too smiley, too bloody holy in a way--I just cringe.

Bliss Bunnies aren't real and they can't sustain it forever.