Over Rees

This will probably fall under the category of way too friggin' much information, but...

For quite some time now, I've believed my ovulatory cycle to be slightly, well, off. So I started using FAM (Fertility Awareness Method) to chart my cycle. It's more involved than "the rhythm method" of old, but can also be used as natural birth control. Which is good, since I refuse to ever get back on The Pill because it MAKES ME CRAZY LIKE A SCARY LADY. So I've been charting for a few months now. Three or four.

During that time, I have had two instances of excrutiatingly painful ruptured ovarian cysts. The last instance of this was just this last weekend. Goodbye Halloween plans, hello couch and heating pad.

So I already know that obviously SOMETHING is up. Well, tonight, my charting confirmed that in addition to not having the right type of cervical fluid, I have a very very short Luteal Phase. The Luteal Phase is the time that elapses between the releasing of the egg and the start of menstruation.

What does that mean? That means that if I ever want to have kids, it's going to be near impossible.

I had already decided a while back that I didn't want kids. Well, I was pretty sure I didn't want kids. I couldn't imagine kids in the foreseeable future. Not sure. Eh, we'll leave it up in the air. But mostly sure. So I don't know why, when I realized tonight that my Luteal Phase is indeed super short, I started crying. Yeah, I know, crying is a theme of mine lately. But this was huge. This was sobbing, rocking on the floor, holding my knees, laughing while crying because of the ridiculousness of my emotion, shaking, wondering what the hell I was doing crying. I'm not sure if I was mourning or relieved or validated or what.

In a strange way, I'm a little proud of myself. I've never really been able to let go like that when I've been alone. I've been able to reach wracking sobs when in the company of someone who loved me; but I've never been capable of holding myself through it. Although I feel raw, I also feel a sense of calm. I really "Mommy'd" myself tonight. I guess Mommying myself and my two kitties is the only kind of mommying I'll end up doing, huh?

Laughter through tears, baby, laughter through tears.