Desire

Again, a post of possibly too much information. At least nobody really reads this blog...

So last night I fooled around with a friend of mine. No, this is not me wanting more. This is me having fun with a friend. I would much rather satisfy my need for physical and sexual contact with someone I know and trust than with a stranger I picked up in a bar.

But some thoughts and questions came to me. Although I thoroughly enjoyed myself, I found that I wasn't as "turned on" as I would like to have been. I had to ask myself why that was. I've encountered it before, when I've been in charged sexual situations, where "action" was happening, and my body just wasn't responding the way I would want it to. I have a theory.

I didn't feel like I really mattered. I didn't feel especially wanted or needed and while in one way that sparked my interest--O the challenge!--in another way it killed my desire.

I need to be desired.

I felt that it didn't matter if it was me. It mattered if I was there--playing with me was assuredly better than masturbation--but it didn't matter if it was ME. And I need to feel important. I need to feel important and special and beautiful and wanted and honored and worshipped and desired. I need to feel like more than simply a fun time and much more than a notch. I need to feel like A BIG DEAL.

I did feel attractive, at least. I did feel that I was arousing to him. But I wasn't MAGICAL. I like feeling that the person I'm with wants me so much that if I didn't reciprocate, he might be inclined to ravish me. A little unrealistically sado-masochistically romantic?

It was fun and in some ways necessary and satisfying. The human contact was lovely in a slightly sick and twisted way. Safe in some ways, highly dangerous in others. I have no idea if I'll do it again.

But it was nice, and I think healthy, to have a wild night in the midst of the bliss bunny weekend. I'm holistically inclined and spiritually bent, but I'm also a sexual being with a rock n roll heart. Paradox and dichotomy. I love it.