Ease Has Been Lost In This Alternate Reality

My parents' house is an alternate reality. The laws of nature don't work here the way you'd think they were supposed to. Linear reasoning is an impossibility and I have long since given up trying to understand what's going on half the time.

In some ways, I'm gaining new perspective and even respect for the places in which my parents are stuck. How can they be anywhere other than where they are what with everything going on? Of course they're fighting. Of course their moods switch faster than you can blink. Of course they're eating themselves into comas. Of course they hold grudges and give silent treatments and roll their eyes and yell about the inconsequential. Their lives have been turned UPSIDE DOWN over the last seven months and it seems like there isn't going to be any letting up soon. So they yell when they're sad and they cry when they're mad and they glare when all they want is a hug.

I'm seeing more how all of their various issues are conspiring together to keep them where they are and make it impossible for them to grow and change. Their house sucks the energy like a whirlpool drain. I find myself grazing in the kitchen, wolfing down mango slices even though I'm not hungry. I catch myself starting to engage in arguments and discussions that really don't make any sense. Even my physical energy is in the toilet. I was sitting on the floor today and I just didn't want to get up. I was amazed I was able to run on the treadmill the first couple of days I was here. Where did I get that energy and motivation? Cuz it ain't there now! (I realize, thank god, the "stuckness" isn't mine and I'm very sure I'll find my drive again once I'm back on my own turf.)

Surprisingly, I am feeling a level of compassion that had been difficult for me to access of late. Yes, despite all the criticisms above these lines and below this post, I'm feeling warmer towards my parents. I think I "get it" more. Rather than feeling distanced and disgusted in amazement at their behavior; I'm finding tolerance is coming easier. There's a little less judgment in my bones. But I still don't like it. I don't think I ever will. And I don't have to, I suppose. Of course I wish things were different, but...

I hope hope hope they heal soon. My folks aren't always like this. They haven't always been this way. Or maybe they have and I've just become more aware of it through my own growth. I don't know. But there is an ease that is missing and I'd like it to be found again.