Humpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall

Alright then.

Well, not alright then. But, yeah. Alright then.

I feel obligated to write something a little less...morose. I've been told morose doesn't suit me. I beg to differ. Bitch never saw me all gothed up. Gothed out. Gothy. Gosh.

I need to rebuild my candy-coated shell. I keep thinking of myself as a giant M&M. Seriously. This is the way my mind works. I'm a red one, thanks for asking.

Remember smit shit? Yeah. But beyond smit. And beyond shit.

I've been assured, though, that it is only by touching and accessing and experiencing those primal wounds am I accomplishing the growth and "fixing" I've been wailing about. Primal doesn't begin to encompass the feeling. My reptilian brain is seared. My organs got electrocuted and burnt to a crisp. I felt an ache all the way through to my spinal fluids. Strangely enough, although my logical mind disagrees, it wasn't an overreaction. It's the first reaction. It's the only reaction. It's the reaction I've been fighting against for years. Possibly for ever. Clyde says humans aren't cut out for this. I don't disagree...but without it, what is there?

Here's an interesting thing: Even while still holding the belief of no other and the fantasy of future, my eye is roving like a starving prostitute.

Hey, Joie? Thanks for "fat girl brain in a skinny girl body". Like so many of your sayings/songs/truths...it keeps running on a loop through my thoughts. And it actually helps.

Ladies of my life...you've been amazing. Thank you thank you. I know you're taking care of me. I'm not used to being the one that gets taken care of. It's hard to reconcile myself with myself. I know some of you have seen my weaknesses (Lisa you know them intimately) but ever since I first grew my ice castles, I like to think I'm hard as nails.

But so many of you have seen my squishiness lately. Maybe it's time to completely discard that persona, huh? Fucking hell. I liked the badass. I liked the hard crusty bitch. She served, she served. But when I'm being scraped off the sidewalk at Sidewalk I guess I can't maintain that any more. Once again a new shape.

Hmm. Perhaps not any less morose I think. But possibly less deadly.