Two! Two! Two Posts In One!

FIRST BIT:

I have such a hard time taking nutritional/wellness advice from overweight speakers or those who just don't look like they walk their talk. Is this my prejudice or a natural human response?

Not entirely in keeping with the previous statement and question, but an extension of the contemplation: I know I have built-in "fatty" hate simply because I used to be so overweight. You'd think it would make me more tolerant or accepting or even pitying. I think one day I will be. At least I'm inching towards being able to feel pity (here we go again with the confusion between pity and love).

Here's my current theory on this: I spent so much time and energy when I was fat (and arguably now as well) HATING myself that I've transferred some of that vitriolic energy to ghostly representations of my former self.

If you're hugely fat, you remind me too much of the person I once was, and I hate you.

Not literally or logically or even consciously. But if I'm to take a long hard honest look, I have to admit the resentment is present.

Everyone is a mirror. Everyone and everything. When you don't like what you see in the mirror, it's easier to blame the silvered glass. It's stupid and misplaced, but it's human. Often I want to change the reflection, but I can't, can I? Serenity prayer and all that.

SECOND BIT:

I haven't been in a relationship in a very long time. Yeah, I had a brief boyfriend/girlfriend thing a few months ago, but it was VERY brief and, well, not altogether "real" I suppose.

So this I've known.

But something new I realized yesterday morning.

I was talking with some ladies about my tremendous weight loss and the inherent identity crisis (or realignment) involved. When the body gets thin, sometimes the mind stays fat. It's progressing slowly, but I still think like a fat person. I still think as if I am a fat person. I still think I AM a fat person. I relate with people accordingly. I don't know how to BE with men (in general) or God forbid in a relationship.

Upshot: I haven't been in a relationship since the weight loss and I don't think the two facts are unrelated.