The other day I watched this HBO special on women recovering from eating disorder. They were all staying at Renfrew, a hardcore recovery center. Whoo boy. None of the women profiled in the special were successful. You know how they do those "this is Shelly three months later" thing? All of them relapsed. All of them. They even showed one puking the very night she got released.
I could so relate.
It was a strange position to be in. I was watching the insanity--knowing it was insanity--but also knowing, somehow, that it made sense too. A mind that has never been in the obsessive loop of eating disorder must hear the gook spewing from those girls and...just...NOT relate in any way. I know it sounds wack-a-doodle. But I get it.
And even though I'm not in that "place" any more, boy was that triggering. It made me wonder if I could ever relapse. In every or any capacity. I wonder if I could ever go back to eating the way I ate long ago or to being as unhealthy as I was in so very many ways. I used to think it was impossible to return to such behavior, because now I just "know too much". But I don't know. I think there's always a chance. That does scare me. I don't ever want to be that person again. I hope that if it comes to that--if I am tempted or find myself falling into the old patterns--I hope that I will turn to my newer tools; that I will open my bag of tricks and choose something different.
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