I've Come To The Realization

This is a direct quote:

I've come to the realization that you are so emotionally stunted by lack of real life experience... that "what you did wrong" is entirely irrelevant. Sorry.

1. I did do nothing wrong

2. Emotionally Stunted? If that were even remotely true, the only answer for that would be "Pot? Meet Kettle."

3. How can "real life experiences", which are simply each person's different life path, be more or less than anyone else's? How can mine be not enough and someone else's be too much? I did not ask to be born into the family I was born into or to be dealt the cards I was dealt. I am supposed to be wishing to have had a harder lot in life?

4. Dismissing anything as entirely irrelevant is a cowardly move.

5. I don't for one single solitary second believe that you are sorry in any way. You yourself have laughingly, braggingly told me stories of such cruelty that I wanted to leap out of bed, horrified at your tale and the person you revealed yourself to be.

I cannot understand why I, who contain so much power and positive energy, allowed myself to be drained by you. I let it ebb away and leave me a simpering girly shell, wheedling for your attention. I am not that desperate for companionship; especially not when it is a well-disguised poison.

Things People Are Wrong About

So this one person, okay these few persons, think this other person just ain't gonna' work out. I'm not saying they're completely wrong. Maybe they're right. But the thing is, maybe they're wrong.

And this other person, a person who always likes to believe they're right about everything, thinks that I have to be right about everything. They're wrong. Choke on the irony of that one!

This other person thinks I'm too sensitive. Okay, this has some basis in fact. I'm really sensitive. Many many years I hated that. Now, however, it's an asset. So, yeah, I'm still very sensitive. But I'm only "too" sensitive when you're poking at my WOUNDS. So STOP IT. If you don't want me to be too sensitive, don't pick my primal scabs.

That's it for now.

Crazymaking

Totally and completely crazymaking. But the question is, who is the one making me crazy? Them or me?

It's About Time

The weekend was a soaring roaring success. Not healed, but healing. Not fixed, but on the road the path the route the track.

But oh my oh my are charismatic men hard to resist. I still find myself eyeing him across the room. And talking on the phone for three hours? What's that about? Do I need a cosmic slap across the face? Snap out of it!

The problem I think is that while everyone else (the people who are prescient) know (they know) that it isn't one of those "meant to be" and is in fact "meant to be WRONG"...I don't buy it. I don't! I don't believe it. I don't feel that. Maybe I do a little. Teeny tiny bit. But is it the hope I'm still clinging to or the fantasy?

On another note... My poor little lost friend. If you ever read this (which you don't) I truly truly hope you find the peace and stillness and strength and joy and sanity you seek. I wish I could help you, but I can't. And I won't. It's not fair to anyone if I do. Where did you go? Where are you headed? Are you going to fade away or self-destruct?

Love you.

Love me again, too. So that's cool.

Do I have to not love him? I do, don't I? Fuck.

At least it's right-sized now. No longer is it bearing the burden of my childhood wounds and ancient primal damages. It's just about a guy. He's just a guy.

Now on to more important things, yes?