Connexions

My relationships are in flux at the moment. Some connections are new and tenuous. As lovely as they are, this infant time when I don’t quite have my footing is a bit uncomfortable. I relish bringing new people into my world, but I always have growing pains.

Some connections are old but new again. They are people who have re-entered my life in a new way. Or perhaps I’m just in a different shape to receive them. Either way they are welcome surprises.

And sadly, some connections are old and just not working any more. The shared energy served me for a time, but simply no longer does. Spending time with these people leaves me feeling hungry. A physical hunger; a manifestation of the lack I am feeling when I am with them. These people are not intentionally toxic—I would hope—they just aren’t what I need anymore.

And I do need people.

A new facet of my life is a turning inward. I am looking inside myself for my own fulfillment. Nothing can feed me, mother me, love me, or meet me the way I can. We are born alone, every relationship ends, and we die alone. This is not necessarily a depressing thought. It does mean we can’t rely on the external. But intellectually at least we all know that! The beauty is, though, that we CAN rely on the internal. The self-love and self-care can be accessed within ourselves. This is the work I am doing. This is the self-reliance I aim to achieve.

However, I still need people.

As do we all. If you are human, you need other humans. This isn’t a bad thing. It is not a childish thing or a needy thing or a misguided thing. It’s a good thing. Beautiful, amazing, wonderful events transpire when people join together.

So I need human interaction. Healthy, positive connections. I’m ridding myself of the vampires, I’m learning to let go of my anxieties surrounding new interactions, and I’m cherishing the friends that have stuck around and who continue to surprise me.