Four On The Floor

I rehired one of my old trainers.

I've gone through 5 a half trainers in the last 5 years. Number two I was with for over two years. I only stopped with him because his schedule changed. Number one was the guy I was working out with when I hurt my back and ended up needing surgery, so that's understandable. Number three went batshit crazy. Number five was just a strange dude. He made working out...not fun anymore. That's no good. And the "half"? Well, I only worked out with him a couple times. He seemed to think we were on a more committed basis than we really were. I told him from the beginning that I was going to test out a few people, and I wasn't committing to him. He's a sweet guy, just not what I'm looking for when I go to the gym.

So why did I rehire number four? First and foremost, he's a good trainer. And I had fun with him...WHEN things worked. When they didn't, well, let's just say we could clash. But I was thinking about that today as I found I had run out of trainers to try at my gym. I recognized that he and I never clashed until "douchebag" entered the picture. Douchebag (or DB for short, as I will now refer to him) planted all these niggling little thoughts in my head that led to greater and greater dissatisfaction with number four. Cuz DB was a fucking MASTER at that. The guy is a genius at mental manipulation. Seriously fucking good.

So let's see how it goes with "four" this time around. I think we'll do just fine. There's kind of a sibling vibe there, and I think we both had enough of our time outs.

Oh So THAT's What Happened!

According to Dr. Jennifer Crocker from the University of Michigan,

Some people think kids can’t stand to hear anything negative so they only give them praise, but research shows that those are the kids who are the most vulnerable when they experience a setback.

Yup. That about covers it.

Cool Kudos

Someone I've never met before (but who also got certified through IIN) sent me this message:

Hi Trish,
Just wanted to say hello, and tell you I looked at your website, and woweee, young beautiful woman, you have done some major changes in your life.
What a challenge and struggle, I am sure.
I am very impressed with your website, and all you have done.
My sincere congratulations to you. It never ceases to amaze me the struggles people overcome and the brilliant work that follows.
As a long time health care Registered Nurse in every walk of health care, I say, indeed it is a pleasure and welcome event to have you in the wellness arena.
Thanks for your solid and strong efforts toward change, for the many lives you have changed and the many more to come.

Wowzers, yeah?

Yeah. That was pretty cool. Between that and the kudos I got form a client earlier today, my inspiration is ticking along nicely. It's easier to cope with a reduced client schedule and light workshop signup when the people I do reach appreciate my efforts like this.

It's easy to get swept up, isn't it? So easy to drown in the tasks of the day. It's so easy to think only about the problems that need solving, rather than celebrating what has already been accomplished.

Let that be a reminder to you. You aren't going to sprain your shoulder by patting yourself on the back once in a while. It's allowed and well deserved.

Slimy Noses

It's really nice to have friends like this. Even though they're crazy. Or maybe especially cuz.

That's All? That's A Lot.

There are so many things going on...where to start?

I've been having houseguests lately. Well, just one repeated houseguest. And it's easy! First, they are a very good houseguest. But also, I'm not the neurotic control freak I once was. I recall far too easily the anxiety that would rise up when the possibility of a houseguest was in the works. "How would I have my morning? How would I watch TV? How would I go to the bathroom? (Okay, that one is still a problem. I get potty-shy.) Would they eat my food? Would they be messy? My life was going to be totally disrupted and I would never recover and I would die!!!!"

Yeah. I know. But that was the least of the craziness going on in this noggin.

So anyway, I don't feel that anymore. What a frigging relief! The ease is what makes me so happy. Of course having someone new in your house is a disruption...but it isn't a DISRUPTION. It's doable, manageable, and actually quite a bit of fun. I must say, I am more productive when someone else is around. I'm far less likely to be a lazy lump. Because it's embarassing.

Okay, what else...

Oh yeah...IT WAS ALWAYS HIM AND IT WAS NEVER ME!!! What a douchebag. Had a conversation yesterday with someone I should really try and avoid at all costs. Toxic doesn't even begin to describe him. But anyway. I always fall into a position of defensiveness and justification when I speak with him. What still pisses me off to no end is that when I first see him (or even someone who looks like him) my heart skips a little beat. But the very next second the words "giant cocksucker" float into my consciousness, so that's okay then.

I have so many things on my mind right now, it's hard to boil it down. And it's hard to remember to do everything that needs to be done. A partial list:

• Write back to the myriad friends who have emailed or myspaced or texted me
• File my DBA in NY (only a year late)
• Fix my finances
• Advertise (build a brochure, network, set up tables, utilize my connections and resources)
• Find and rent office space
• Find a buy a new apartment
• Do my bloody errands (lame shit like buying toothpaste)
• Shop for clothes (not fun. I don't like to shop but I have no clothes.)
• Research and prep my workshop (this entails so many steps I don't even want to think about it)
• Clean/straighten/organize everything
• Go food shopping. I have some old broccoli and kale in the fridge and that's about it.
• Try to remember all the other things I keep forgetting to do and finally do them so I don't stay up until 3 in the morning worrying about what I'm forgetting to do.

That's all.

Gingerbread House 2006!!!

Awwwwwweeeeee Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhh!

It's Gingerbread House time again.

If you'll remember...Lisa and I have a long-standing tradition of Gingerbread House-ery. It doesn't usually happen prior to Christmas, but as long as we tackle it before the New Year, it counts. Last year's effort was a "House of Debauchery". (Previous efforts included "Alien Crash-Landing" and "Santa in a Mack Truck"). This year was less subversive and more...pastel. Please remember, however, that the purpose of building the gingerbread creations is not great artwork...it's all about the sugar high.

Without further ado, I give you...

The Gingerbread Carousel of Wonder!!!

Here we have Lisa kneading the dough for the gingerbread. Yes, this is the first year we've made our own and didn't just trim some pre-made panels from a kit. It was surprisingly easy. Actually, I think it was easier, as we were able to make exactly the shapes we needed. Please note how she divided and shaped the dough as an exact replica of her ta-tas.
Her large, brown, crumbly ta-tas.

Again with the Lisa and the sexy things. Seriously, girl...control yourself! Sheesh...

Finally she gets down to work!

We've barely begun and we're already taking horrible self-portraits under the influence of Devil Sugar.

Top view of the Carousel in mid-construction. Those tiny pastel colored non-pariels were soooo good. They were white chocolate and minty with just a little bit of crunch from the little white sprinkly thingies. Candy? What candy?

Rock on. Last year it was me with gummy coke bottles up my nose. I'm so proud of Lisa for carrying on this year with dual nostril candy cane poles plus the lipped arch. Nice.

And here's the pretty pretty carousel. The final product had candy cane poles with circus animal...well, animals...aaaand candy cane fence with a sugar wafer walkway and a big Santa at the carousel controls and a gummy sugar santa sitting on a bench watching and a mommy gingerbread lady looking on and a gummy sugar tree and another bench aaaaaaand...that was a kick-ass run-on.

Imagine you are a teeny tiny gingerbread kid walking up to board the ride. Fun, right?

Overhead shot.

Closeup near Santa at the controls.

Yes, Rocky Horror was playing while we constructed. That was only after we watched Disney's Sword in the Stone. Hockety-pockety.

Gratuitous anatomically correct gingerbread people in the rack shot! Yippee!

Gratuitous sugar gummy Chimney Santa in Lisa's rack shot! Sweet!

So goes another year of yummy architectural goodies. Tummy aches can be worth it sometimes.

If You Get It, You Get It

1. I love you to pieces but sometimes I think you're a lot like her. But, I gotta' say, you constantly surprise me. You always show up for me. You are forever and a day. You want to grow and that is wonderful. I didn't think it would be as good as it is...but it is.
2. You I barely have words for. Cherished SFOM I suppose (to steal your terms). Like the sibling I never had; a bit of yin and yang sometimes. Challenging as hell and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have known and will know you forever.
3. Interesting character, you. Not quite sure where you stand or where I stand. Sometimes I can't hear you at all. Sometimes I wonder if you can hear me. Or what you hear. Or what you see.
4. I hope a lot for you. I hope you are able to become the person you want to be. I hope you find relief. I hope you realize your worth. I hope you let go.
5. No offense intended, but you're there because I don't want others to be.
6. Where are you? I forget you exist sometimes; isn't that odd? I would have thought that lives would intertwine a little bit more than they do. But they don't. That's okay; it's kind of nice the way things are.
7. Oh boy. I wish you wouldn't; but you do. I can't believe it and I can't support it. But I support you. I try. What is there to say, though? I don't like having to lie. It isn't comfortable to hold back and I'm not great at halting my words.
8. What the hell happened to you? It's sad; you're sad. The balance between pity and love has shifted in a direction I'm sure you don't want it to go. But look at you. How can you repeatedly sink and fall and trip and crash? How can you not desire better? I can only do so much before I get infected and I simply can't go there.

So there they are. I love them all, despite their flaws (or maybe because of them). There are more, of course. But not in pictures easily found.

This Ain't Home

Well, here I am in Southern Cali again. It usually only happens once a year, so that isn't so bad.

It's so strange here. Or rather, I feel so strange here. When I'm driving down the freeway basking in sunlight that just doesn't scream "Christmas", I enjoy it for a little while. There's a freedom in being behind the wheel. I feel like I could go...wherever. The sun's pretty nice, too. This winter in NYC has been mild as hell, but there's nothing like wide open spaces with trees and blue sky.

But that's only for a few hours. I get sick of it pretty quickly. Oddly, I find myself with a much dirtier mouth here. It's as if I miss the grit of NY so much, I make up for it with a sailor's tongue. I can only handle so much perkiness.

There are so many teenagers here. It's like the land of silicone and teenagers. Where have all the 20/30 somethings gone? I'm not kidding. I don't think I've seen a single person my age. Granted, I was shopping (I'm soooo behind with Christmas gifties) and the mall is the denizen of the teens...but still. And no-one at all that I would be attracted to. They're all so...preppy? Or wanna-be gangsta. (Or maybe real gangsta. Who knows?)

This doesn't feel like home. I'm already so bored. I flew in last night and I've been here basically one day. It's only 6 pm and I'm ready to go to bed. There's just nothing to do. The only music venues I know are further away and not the type I'm interested in. Too "L.A.". I could go sit in a movie theatre. I could... Fuck. I really tried to think of something else to do and I couldn't think of anything. Oh holy crap, man. At least Christmas Eve and Christmas are sort of taken care of. I'm hanging out with a friend for a little bit on the 26th.... Wow.

This just really ain't home anymore.

Don't

• Don't tell me you're going to do something and then crap out.
• Don't call me back after an unpleasant phonecall and then try to hang up when the callback doesn't go your way.
• Don't try to convince me that you're calling for one reason when we both know you're calling for another.
• Don't get angry at me for your own shortcomings.
• Don't placate me.
• Don't think I don't know.
• Don't pretend you want to know what's going on in my world if you're just looking for sympathy for yourself.
• Don't treat me like I'm someone else.
• Don't throw money at me.
• Don't whine.
• Don't even attempt excuses.
• Don't think you can feed me sugar-water.

Just fucking don't.

Words From The Unconscious

A couple of weeks ago I was having some really memorable dreams. When I awoke, I had whole phrases, even whole stanzas in my head. And I remembered them. I haven't been able to expand on them yet (forseen circumstances and all) but I wanted to post them. Perhaps someone else will be inspired.

So, the first bunch of claptrap that spewed fully formed from my unconscious flotsam and jetsam:

I see a lost little girl
I see a man with no name
A boy with tears in his eyes
Rockstar seeking his fame
I see a mirror
You’re a mirror

You know you’re killing yourself
Just as sure as with a gun
The self-destructive kind of fun
You know you’re not the only one
We’re all in pain

And the second thing...well the second thing made even less sense. I suppose the best way to try and understand it is to read it with a southern accent:

That kid was so green he was suckin’ honey through a straw when I met him.

Yeah. Oy my dreams. Wish I were having them now. Wish I were sleeping now.